A TESTIMONY: SABBATICAL EDITION

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures.
    He leads me beside still waters.
    He restores my soul. – Psalm 23:1-3(a)

The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps. – Proverbs 16:9

How It All Began 

In my 10 years of being a Christian, I had never really felt God’s presence until the year before I left New York. Despite having read the Bible, attended and served at church, going on missions trips, and hearing amazing testimonies about God’s miracles, it was always an intellectual knowledge for me. Meaning I believed that God is real, but to me He was just a distant being somewhere out there whom I will eventually meet in heaven one day. Then something changed around late 2016 and 2017.

In my last few years at my previous job, I became increasingly miserable. It was a mixture of different things. To name a few – I found my job less and less fulfilling, plus I was in school part-time (2-3 classes per trimester) while working full-time for a total of 4 years, and had other commitments on the side too, so I was overwhelmed with the workload and was very burnt out. I stayed at my job even though I was miserable because I did not have the guts to quit. Yes, because I did not have a job lined up, but even if I did have a job lined up, the thought of how I had already invested 8 years in learning the ropes at one company and spent time building relationships there made me feel that it would be such a waste if I left. I felt like “I made it” here, why should I leave? Besides, what would I do if I left? I did not know what I was passionate about and my generalist background made it challenging to decide what to do for my next job (I did not have specialized technical skills that are easily transferable). Fear of the unknown, doubts of my own abilities and comfort were the main forces preventing me from leaving. I remember at that time a friend seeing how miserable I was, advised that I leave, and I got upset at her for not offering me a plausible solution. She said she would pray that “God would make my job so difficult that I would quit.” I was really annoyed at our conversation at that time, but looking back, I think that was exactly the prayer that I needed. God had His plans... A series of events finally led me to feelings of restlessness that would not go away until I did something about it. It led to me giving notice impulsively (if not for impulse, I would never have done it), and I packed my bags and prepared to leave for Singapore.

The Signs 

What led to me leaving my job was a combination of push and pull factors. I was saying earlier how I never experienced the reality of God’s presence, until about a year before I left New York. It was not as though God appeared to me or spoke to me audibly. I think God speaks to everyone differently, and for me it was a repetition of certain topics or themes in my life. I heard these same topics in sermons, songs, movies, in conversations with my friends, etc. Some of the themes were – 1) I need to take that leap of faith and step out of my comfort zone and trust God. Like Apostle Peter who stepped out of the boat to try to walk on water, like Moana who sailed out to discover what was out there calling her name, like Belle who wanted to get out of her provincial town (lol yes I connect very well with Disney movies). 2) The passage that I came across very often before I left New York was Psalm 23. I read “A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23” by Phillip Keller after seeing a copy of it at a friend’s place and was very encouraged, thinking that God was telling me that He is my shepherd and He wants to lead me to green pastures and still waters and He wants to restore my soul. He wants to give me the deep soul rest that I longed for and really needed. 3) I need to be strong and courageous. God is leading me out of my “Egypt” and this will not be an easy journey, but God is with me and He will never leave me nor forsake me. He will not start something and not finish it! As the restlessness in me got stronger, the assurance that God is with me in this crazy maneuver was a huge source of comfort for me.

The Leap

My apartment lease was up the end of May 2017, but I ended up extending my lease for a month, which gave me time to sell my furniture and pack 13 years worth of stuff. My moving process was nothing short of miracle after miracle. If you have lived in Manhattan, you would know that selling furniture in Manhattan and in an apartment with a doorman can be quite challenging. First, most people in Manhattan do not own a car, so they would have to rent or borrow a car just to come pick up the furniture. Second, my building required purchase of insurance whenever anything is moved to cover the damages, and that is a huge hassle and deterrent. Without going into too much detail, despite the numerous obstacles, I miraculously managed to sell my 2-piece couch, 3 bookshelves, floor lamp, dining table and 4 chairs. Just as an example, there was once when the doorman somehow happened to not be at the front desk (this almost never happens because they are not allowed to leave the front desk unmanned) and this guy from Craigslist was able to run up to my apartment to move the couch down without getting insurance; the timing was indeed impeccable!

I also had to break my phone contract. I called Verizon and the lady told me that there was a US$200 termination fee because my 2 years was not up yet. I tried to ask her if she could waive the fee, and she said no. We small talked and after I told her my sob story of how I was returning to Singapore to be with family and to be a bum. She cracked up and after a while told me that she will go ahead and waive the termination fee. I was ecstatic!! Everything seemed to be working out so smoothly to a tee.

There was a final obstacle. I had to purchase extra baggage space for my flight because I had too much stuff I was lugging back to Singapore. Despite purchasing extra baggage space, my luggage was severely overweight and I even had an extra baggage (my guitar). I remember waiting on line at the Singapore Airlines counter at JFK and giving the lady at the counter “puppy eyes” and telling her that I need her help. She very kindly told me to work with her and to slowly bring the baggage up, and she moved them off without even checking the weight. She even helped me get my guitar checked in at the gate for free. I was sooo thankful that everything worked out without extra cost!

With all those experiences, I left New York on a high, feeling that this was going to be an adventure! I felt the wind at my back and thought, “Come what may! I am ready to handle anything that comes my way!” Even though I had no idea at all what I would be doing and in which country I would eventually settle, I had this strong sense that everything will work out fine.

Looking back at some of my journal entries during that time, I was overwhelmed by God’s presence and guidance and love:

June 19, 2017

“Dear God, I can’t deny that you are with me throughout my move. I can’t help but feel that you want me to move to Asia. You are with me.”

June 29, 2017

“Dear God, you’ve been present and with me. I’m so grateful and my heart is filled.”

July 9, 2017, “Dear God, I am floored again by your providence. You really are with me every step of the way. I feel like you are paving my way to Asia; perhaps you were afraid that I wouldn’t want to go? Perhaps you are just really gracious to me and you’ve shown me much kindness. I am wondering, why me?? What did I do to deserve such grace?”

The Reality After a Leap

No doubt that anyone would have guessed – those feelings were definitely short lived. I did not fully comprehend the challenges that I would face moving back to Singapore. Not only did I have to figure out what I would do next, I moved back in with my parents after living alone for 7 years which was a HUGE adjustment, and I also struggled with reverse culture shock. I had to look for a new community because I had left Singapore for 13 years – people have changed and people have moved on. Things just are not the same anymore, especially more so since I felt like I have returned a completely different person.

One of the first things I did when I came back was spending some time exploring different churches. I decided that having too many variables in my life was probably not the best idea, and this would be the easiest decision out of all. I thank God for leading me to stay at my current church and meeting people going through similar struggles as I really needed the support during this challenging time in my life.

My 1.75 years of exploration went by just like that! But as each month passed, the stress level I had internally went up significantly. I took time to meet people in various industries and tried a variety of things during my sabbatical to figure out what I really wanted to do next. I helped a non-profit organize a large scale conference in Jakarta, went to visit OMF Hokkaido to see if I would move there to learn Japanese or go on short-term missions to Japan, explored what I did a little bit of at my previous job – Environmental, Social, and Governance (ESG) – and helped write a research paper on cage-free eggs, volunteered at St. Luke’s Hospital with the Geriatrics department shadowing a Speech Therapist, volunteered at an Early Intervention Program working with special needs kids, and shadowed Occupational Therapists at a NYC public school and a private OT center. On top of that, I took a Blockchain class and attended conferences on Fintech and Sustainability just to network and to learn from people in the space and about what is out there. I know this looks and sounds amazing and all because I was trying so many new things and being adventurous, but on the flip side, the reality was that after each stint, I felt more and more depressed and anxious. Yes, it was fun to learn a lot of different things and explore different things, but what was scary to me was that after each stint, I walked away dejected thinking that, “This isn’t it”. It’s like that U2 song, I Still Haven’t Found What I am Looking For. With each stint, time invested felt like it was wasted, and time was running out. There were days when a flood of negative thoughts would come and I would be so desperate and had to pray and cry out to God for help.

Numerous times throughout my sabbatical I thought, “God, I wish I didn’t leave my job. Why did I do this to myself? I was making good money and I loved life in Manhattan and was very comfortable. Why did I leave all of that?” I felt just like the Israelites complaining about God leading them out of slavery in Egypt and saying how they would rather be a slave and eat well than wander around the desert and rely on manna provided by God. It is funny how things written in the bible so long ago, I can still relate to today. Because I did not know what I really wanted to do, in the meantime I applied to various corporate jobs in Singapore. There were many sleepless nights, many calls to my friends about how stressed out I was because I have not heard back regarding any job application, and I was still feeling lost. There was also stress just thinking about how the longer my unemployment, the more difficult it may be for me to find a job again. Anxieties came too when I looked at my bank account depleting slowly, and wondered how long more can I last. Self-doubt kicked in and I started questioning my skills and even my core identity. I felt like God definitely used this time to strip away things that I had relied on to build my self-esteem/worth. He wanted me to know that those things do not last, and I need to base my identity on something unchanging. It really hit me to the core and I had to reflect on who I am.

Getting to the Promised Land

I decided to continue to look for jobs in the impact investment space after all that exploring because I did not want my 8 years of corporate experience go to waste. Applying for jobs through portals was not working out for me, so around September 2018, I decided to message potential employers on LinkedIn and tried to get meetings with them in-person.

A lady from a bank very kindly responded to me and asked me for my resume, saying that she will reach out if there are any openings. About a month later, she emailed me saying that she was hiring! I met her informally in early October 2018 and had a good chat with her. Things moved quite slowly and I tried my best to wait very patiently and not go crazy. Each day felt like eternity. At the end of November 2018, I finally had an official interview with the lady again, 2 interviews with other senior folks, and an interview with HR. I also had to submit an assignment as part of my interview. I had a good feeling about it. In December, the negotiations began and that dragged out for another month, mostly because I was just waiting on them. I was told that many people were traveling during the holiday season, so things would move very slowly. Getting my previous pay stubs was also slightly challenging because of my dual employment status at my previous job. I had to reach out to my previous CFO and thankfully she was very kind to help me sort it all out. I signed my offer with the bank in mid-January 2019, and my EP application was submitted end of January 2019. On February 28, 2019, I finally heard the good news of the EP approval, and I will start work officially on March 18, 2019. It took almost 6 months of waiting for this position to work out, which was such a test of faith for me. It was a huge lesson for me that God works in His own timing, and I cannot rush it however much I tried.

My getting a job in Singapore was no small feat. God had to clear obstacle after obstacle in order for me to get this job, just like He did with my move out of New York. Firstly, impact investment is a very niche space and it is very nascent in Asia. There are very few opportunities available and most of them did not suit my profile. Whenever I looked on LinkedIn, I saw the same 10-20 jobs listed. Secondly, experience-wise, I have only one year of semi-transferable experience in that space. I would technically be going for a career change and unfortunately that means I would have to start from scratch, taking an entry-level job. Since it is very competitive, most employers in this space appear to prefer Ivy Leaguers and people with investment banking/consulting/private equity background, and I have none of the above. Thirdly, the salary in Singapore is much lower than in the US to begin with, and it is even lower in this space (as compared to other finance jobs). I was also told that companies may not want to hire me because they would feel bad for not being able to match my salary, and lastly, there was also an additional layer of challenge for me as I am a foreigner needing visa sponsorship in Singapore. Singapore firms have a quota of locals versus foreigners, and most firms prefer hiring locals.

Despite the numerous obstacles, one obstacle after another, God removed them and He gave me exactly what I was looking for. Let me lay out more clearly here what miracle did God do. I was not called for any interviews for the longest time, but God gave me 2 within the same week – one with the bank and one with a private equity firm. Because I had the PE interview, I was able to let the bank know that I had another interview when they asked, giving myself a little more leverage. God gave me a job in impact investing, which is exactly what I wanted to do, and one at middle management level even though I do not exactly have the experience for it. He also gave me a job with decent salary and the company is willing to sponsor my Employment Pass (EP). I was also informed that since I was a Singapore Permanent Resident (PR) earlier on in my life, applying for an EP may be a little tricky, but praise the Lord my EP has been approved. Obstacle after obstacle, God cleared them for me. What felt so impossible for me, God made it all possible! I remember Sally would randomly burst out in song when we are chatting, singing, "God will make a way, where there seems to be no way!" And we would both tell each other that this is really crazy and if I really did get this job, all credit goes to God.

Thankful

Unemployment is not something anyone should go through alone. I definitely would not have survived it if not for the support I had! There are numerous people I have to thank for journeying with me during this time. If not for everyone’s support in various ways, I would not have enjoyed my sabbatical as much as I did. Here is my thank you list; I am pretty sure I will miss out on people whom I am eternally grateful to.

I am very thankful for my parents. My dad told me once that he was actually very stressed out and worried about my situation, but he made a conscious decision to not nag at me or ask me about it because he knew it would cause me more stress. Similarly, my mom rarely pressured me at all during this time. I am thankful that they provided me with a conducive home environment so that I could rest and also enjoy my time off.

Thank you Sally for being a constant support during this challenging time. Despite our time difference, you needing to take care of your family, and being so busy at work, you always called me whenever I showed any signs of stress in my texts. You would call me just to see if I wanted to talk about it, and I am soooo grateful that you were always available. Thank you for your encouragement during this time – always reminding me of God’s goodness and sending me bible verses when I feel anxious and lost.

Thank you Charmian for traveling with me and also for hosting me while I was in Melbourne. Thank you Pei for hosting me while I was in Tokyo. Thank you Bora for hosting me in Korea. Thank you Sally and Lawrence for hosting me twice and wanting to pay for everything when I was in New York!

Thank you Kangwei for always thinking of me and for connecting me with people in the industry and getting me into important paid conferences for free :) I really appreciate you for sharing your resources with me and supporting me in my job search.

Thank you Charmian for being my “doctor” whenever I freaked out about any physical issues I thought I had – nerves, bladder, gastro, redness in my eye, and the list goes on. Thank you for entertaining my irrational fears and talking me through as to what it may be and what I should do.

Thank you Benita for connecting me with your sister, who then got me consulting work at ARE.

Thank you Karen Chen for encouraging me and walking me through the hiring process in Singapore and giving me good interview tips.

Thank you Deborah for connecting me with your cousin who is in the industry and helping me in many other ways.

Thank you Chris Lee for connecting me with various people, such as Ginger who let me job shadow at her New York City Public School.

Thank you Lyndon for giving me feedback on my assignment for my Blackrock interview and just for being an available support.

Thank you Nic and Russel for spending time to chat with me about the banking industry to help me better prep for my interview.

Thank you James Ong for sharing your job search experience with me and how you handled it. It was a huge encouragement to me, which I needed at that time.

Thank you Jeanine for taking time to speak with me even though you were so busy, and for helping me verify my comp with HR so quickly. You told me that you are always there if I needed any help. I am really grateful!

Thank you Jeanine, Maki, Mike Zmorod, Ali Al-Qadhi, and Meshal Karam for agreeing to be my reference if needed.

Thank you Juanita for allowing me to intern with you and learn while I wait for my job to be finalized.

Thank you Sally, Lawrence, Charmian, Kangwei, Anny, Cat Kim, Irene Lee, Irene Jung, Deborah, Ami, James Kuan, Ying Jun, Kenji, Mason,  Claire, and Hui Fang for praying for me, and some of you, for fasting with me as well.

Thank you my BSF groups, my CG, and people at Alpha for praying for me.

Thank you Maha and Daywi, my ReadAble kids, for praying for me and encouraging me with their cute prayers.

Thank you my facial lady and the guys at SKS Bookstore for being so sincerely happy for me when you heard that I found a job in Singapore! 

Thank you Lichao for praying that difficult but very much needed prayer for me.

And most importantly, thank God for giving me the rest that He had promised. Even though there were many stressful and occasional dark days, for the most part I really enjoyed my sabbatical especially when I was traveling, meeting new people, and doing things I never had time to do before. I am thankful that God frequently reassured me of His presence during this time.

It Does Not End Here

I definitely feel like after 1.75 years of “wandering”, I am finally in my Promised Land! It is funny because our BSF study this year is titled “The Promised Land”, and at my first BSF session 3 weeks ago, I found out that one of my group members is my coworker! She tells me that my boss is a great boss who tries to lead with Christian values. I cannot help but think that this was all in God's plan. I do not know what this new season of my life will bring, but I have the same thought, “Come what may!” I am sure that there will be a new set of challenges, and I will more than ever need to read the Bible and pray for wisdom and guidance, but I am looking forward to what this new chapter will bring.

When I look back at this time, I know that there will be times when I will wonder if I had wasted almost 2 years of my life when I could have been climbing the corporate ladder. I have set myself back quite significantly as compared to my peers, and it was not as though these 1.75 years really amounted to anything substantial. However, I need to remember that what I did get out of it was a true deep soul rest, which God knew was exactly what I needed at that point in my life.

I am very thankful for this experience, and I am writing this down as a testimony so that I will not forget how God has provided. I hope that this may be an encouragement to others as well, who are going through a similar season in their lives.